What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 19:33
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Eius sequi culpa animi quod delectus deleniti deserunt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So, i spoilt her more .
All the time i was locked up.
We all went to grammer schools
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I said to her
I waited trembling.
I dreamt my mother had died and I cried so much in my dream. What does it mean?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Comes on , in middle age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
What are the 10 things you regret doing in your life?
Who then, do I blame.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Have you ever lost any respect for someone instantly?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I will be 64.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was in good health!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im still living with it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We were not on the streets..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I have no regrets .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She wouldn,t have been !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot live in the past .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And i lived it daily.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When she asked me how she looked .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was seconnd youngest,
Would this be the day?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I think the readers, may guess!
My family never makes their pension either.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So whats the point in blame.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She found it foreign!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My life is so biszare .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ive learnt so much.
I was 9 years of age.
As i do to all so called friends.?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
It was going to be , some day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But it wasn’t much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I don,t even have a pension.
I write beautiful poetry .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She loved him until the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was scared of men, in general
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is soul school!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He knew the spot.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She married twice! .
What did i know ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was very sick at this time too.
(And it was in our own minds.)